Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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