can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He called his prostate his "boner button".
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
