i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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