I didn't shave. On purpose
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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