I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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