worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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