I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
