Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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