We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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