I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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