I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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