CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
