Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
