I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
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my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
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