I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
