I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
