Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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