I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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