I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
