My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
