I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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