Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So much Jack, so little girl.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
