nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize