he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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