Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
