He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I wish there were birth control emojis
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
