Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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