Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
