I can't watch pbs sober anymore
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
