Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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