dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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