If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
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I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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