i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
