I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
