ya dads aren't the best wingmen
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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