Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
