OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
