Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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