did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
