i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
