I can text with my tongue
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize