What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The beer is more important than you right now.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
