wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
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he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
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You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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