Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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