you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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