YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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