Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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