yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
