The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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