Cold hands, warm shart.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
