The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
