So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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