forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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